Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Things I'm Failing At Lately.


That's what came out when I sat down to write this. Not because I'm beating myself up for anything, but more out of complete exhaustion over the fact that I still, at 35 years old, cannot seem to get my shit together.

I don't mean that in an extreme sense - I'm a functioning, generally courteous member of society thankyouverymuch. I was just born without the ducks in a row gene. My house, my daily life, my schedule, my comings and goings - they're a freaking hot mess.

hot mess motherhoodBlame it on motherhood, sure. Blame it specifically on active-loud-messy boy-motherhood if you want. But that's not it, guys. I've never had it together. Except for maybe two semesters of college. And like a month when I was trying to sell my first house.

I know myself enough to understand that I don't operate well with tight schedules and restrictive routines, but with my kids all in school this year, I tried anyway. In fact I made multiple variable schedules with that in mind, so I actually have TEN of them - carefully crafted to operate precisely even when I have volunteer shifts, doctors appointments, and errands that pop into my schedule and get in the way.

THAT'S RIGHT. I took the time to craft TEN to-the-minute schedules that I can choose from to follow Monday-Friday based on what is on the docket for that week.

And I still can't do it.

I still sleep through my alarm, I still find ways to consolidate tasks into hurried half-assed jobs, I still shrug and say "meh, I don't feel like yoga/a shower/writing/doing dishes" when the time arrives to do those things. I'm a Rebel through and through, and I just don't know what to do about it.

I use so many of Gretchen Rubin's habit strategies and happiness hacks it's not even funny. I try my ass off to make everything convenient. I plan my loopholes and rewards. I remind myself to do things for my future self so that I'm able to protect the time/goals/plans I have for ME. And I still. just. can't.

You know what it is?

I blame this on human design. I've mentioned it before, but "life stuff" - the mundane never-ending tasks of life drain us. It's particularly disheartening for a generator or manifesting generator (like me), because we build up all of this juicy life force energy, ready to put it into something amazing, and then we have to spend it all on household administrative bullshit.

Since school started last week, I have been EXHAUSTED - physically, mentally, emotionally. I cannot get enough sleep. I try to slurp it from coffee mugs as big as my head and find myself disappointed when I discover that once again, it's not at the bottom of the cup. I fall asleep at 9:30 or 10 (which is a solid 2+ hours earlier than normal) and I still want to throw my phone out the window at 6am when it attempts to wake me up.

And my house is still a wreck, I haven't written nearly as much as I wish I had, my library books are still all over-due and unread, my pantry is on month 4 (or maybe 5) of being disastrously disorganized, and my bathroom is about 35% renovated and missing switch plates, towel holders, and a toilet paper dispenser.


can't keep my mom shit together

When I made those schedules, I made sure there was time set aside for the can't-escape-it shit like dishes, laundry, packing lunches, slogging through homework time, making and cleaning up dinner - ya know, the day to day operations of running a family.

You know what I didn't account for? A kid getting strep throat after 1 week of school and asking me to lie down with him for 10 hours a day. The kitchen baseboards that need scrubbing. The bathrooms that need constant attention because...I don't know what the hell my kids are doing when they brush their teeth, but the entire wall ends up plastered in toothpaste after 2 days. (I should photo this to show you what I'm working with, over here.) THE MOUNTAINS OF PAPERWORK THAT COME HOME WITH THREE KIDS IN SCHOOL THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. The time needed to emotionally pep-talk pre-teens for their school days and assignments. The endless, endless, endless need for an army's worth of food. The time needed to organize freaking ANYTHING.

We're on school day 6, writing journey day 10. And I want to set fire to my carefully crafted schedules.

shit together meme

Whenever I start feeling bad about all the ways I'm dropping things, I repeat 'ol commandment number 5: "Be Mom First". It's okay - admirable even. But for the past week, I feel like that's all I've been able to do. I looked at this school year as my shot, ya know? My chance to tackle something bigger - something for me. And I know it's early - I know we're barely into this school year and all the weeks that follow won't be so emotional or germ-filled. But it's hard, man. I was so ready!

All I want is to be on time to places, have a clean cute house, have endless time to write when I'm inspired, be able to keep up with my blogs, have real connections with my kids every day, always be in a cute outfit with good hair, always have my house stocked with decent food, and to not have to stick to a schedule to do all of that.


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