Thursday, June 25, 2020


I don't know what to say, lately.

My brain is a tangled web of strings connected to aspects of life that have changed or gotten stickier over the past three or so months, and they constantly need sorting. It's not that I'm not up to the task - just that in my previous 35 years I haven't had to navigate life quite like this before. Have any of us? How is anyone okay right now?

I have a few more journal entries I could turn into posts, but I haven't. I don't know why. I still may.

I have drafts of fully finished posts I've written out and then abandoned because I'm not sure my chatter is worthy of publishing. So full of first world problems and privileged middle class white woman thoughts. Who cares? Should I just shut up?

I think that's a big part of where my struggles lie. Communication - writing, talking, taking in others' words, storytelling - are my essential lifeblood. I am drawn to it, skilled with it, outfitted with the lens of communication. And right now I'm not so sure that I should be allowed to utilize it.

In some ways - yes. Quiet ways. In phone conversations and small video chats, sure. But on a platform? Small and obscure as it may be? Maybe not. Maybe I should just be quiet. Who am I serving with my words, anyway?

I am not bitter, mind you. I'm not saying this in complaint or Karen-hood. I'm owning up to the fact that my voice may not appropriately add to the conversation right now.

(I am super irritated that so many lines of this post have begun with the letter I, including this one, because the I-ness of this country is at the heart of all that's wrong right now.)

Blogs have been a part of my identity in some form or another for nearly two decades now. And every day I think about coming back here to put something together - some days I do, but then I hide my efforts. Like filling a shopping cart on a website and never checking out. I think about sharing writing projects and compiling book content again and then I think, but why? For who? What value does my voice have? Again, not a self-depreciating question, but a deeply self-evaluating one given our current social climate. What can I offer, and who wants to hear it? What struggles and suggestions are worthy of sharing and which ones need to be put up on a shelf? Hell, what hasn't already been said?

I'm not asking for anyone to answer these for me, I'm just....constantly thinking. Always wondering. Attempting to realign myself within a life I don't recognize. And I want to make sure that where I am and what I'm doing is okay in my heart. When there's no way to assimilate, it's hard to know.

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