Monday, July 13, 2020

Pt. 40 - Jumpy.

Day 88 - June 10th, 2020

     This is one of the first mornings in a while without lots of sunlight in the trees, and I know I just said two days ago that I was hoping for many more beautiful mornings (and I still am) but this is oddly welcome today. It feels cozy. And kind of matches my internal battles, lately.

     I felt off yesterday. By the afternoon, my left side felt weird and painful whenever I moved around, and there was for sure some unrest in my gut. I'd stayed up way too late reading the night before, so I was also tired, and the day had just flown off the rails. I felt strongly that I wanted the kids in bed by 8:30 so that I could go to sleep myself soon after. They weren't thrilled, but I pulled it off. I was asleep before 9, and slept hard until 6:30 this morning. I feel a lot better, and I hope today runs more smoothly. I was hoping for more quiet time than I got, though. Matt was in planner, ask me questions mode, and now the kids are waking up. I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts and my breath. And maybe some cats. :) Mindful, meditative time has been hard to come by, lately. And I've felt strongly that there is some kind of work or message being asked of me right now, but I don't know what it is. I haven't had the space and silence needed to bring it forward.

- - -

     Odin took a nap on my open notebook and ruined this page. I'm trying not to be mad at him for it
- he is an old man, after all, and I left a tempting paper-based item lying around for him to enjoy, but I hate that this page will make all the others rest awkwardly as it clings to the spirals for dear life.

     What to say? I still Not physically unwell like I did yesterday, but I just feel unsettled and antsy. It's still there, in the pit of my gut, but it's mostly in my mind. They're connected, of course. Maybe that's the point.

     Our neighbor Nikki stopped by to give me something that was delivered to her house by mistake and I was caught between being friendly and being safe. It was too close for comfort, truthfully. And yet it also felt fulfilling. Everything in life feels double-sided right now. Everything. And I feel stopped-up with messages, hurt, confusion, letting go, and hard choices. Today I gathered up all my books on writing and some un-read self help titles, too, and spread them over my bed, hoping to be inspired. Waiting for something to show me the path I'm missing. Hoping to coax out the inspiration that feels buried just below the surface. Trying to find stillness and purpose from focused resources and not distracting myself instead by diving into and getting immersed in other people's stories. But I feel too stuck in the cobwebs of my conflicting, overlapping feelings. I'm not sure how to break free or even what tools I need to do it. I attempted to manufacture some quiet stillness - even putting myself to bed before the sun went down, drifting off to the sound of lawn mowers - and it didn't pan out. I'm more rested, sure, but I'm not so sure that my soul was able to get the same benefits that my body did. My stomach feels sore from yesterday's pain. My mind is jumpy and running through stacks of maybes, building up bitterness towards anything that adds to the unknown. How can nearly 10 hours of sleep leave someone feeling this restless?

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