Monday, January 3, 2022

22 for 2022 (with skepticism).


I really don't know what to say about 2022 just yet.

Does anyone not have trust issues at this point? Since late 2019, every time my life has felt like it needed a little push or nudge or decluttering and I get my ducks in a row, something steps in the way to destroy it. Usually another variant. So for nearly two years now, I've been on a roller coaster. 

It usually looks like this.

1. Okay, we can ride this out and follow the suggestions.
2. Wait, why are we the only ones doing it?
3. Oh cool, here's an actual date on the calendar when things will be in better shape, we're good.
4. Just a hint of normalcy - almost there!
5. NEW VARIANT (or, schools don't want to help anymore, or, CDC says 'you're on your own!')
6. Panic, over-think, cry.
7. Okay, I think we've settled on a new solution.

Repeat steps 1-7. And again. (Probably again.)

Around and around it's gone. I want off this ride...bad.

There is so much that's entirely uncontrollable right now that is creating all of this chaos. And it makes me incredibly hesitant to plan anything, because my biggest takeaway so far is...plans are pointless. Laughable. Wildly fragile. But at the same time, I've got stuff to do! I've got things to go after and an identity beyond just making my family's lives possible. There was an actual ME before this stupid situation, and I am so tired of telling her to just wait. (Please have extra grace for your family and friends that have had school-age kids and younger through this pandemic, we're super not okay.)

My 22 goals for 2022 list (and why I'm not coming in hot this time). |

Every time I think about my goals and how I want to spend my time this year, I get this burning sense of guilt in my stomach. My kids are going back to school this week. One of them starts today, the others start tomorrow. They're as safe as they can be at this point and the timing is a contradictory mess of perfect and the worst. I haven't had an empty house and time to myself in 22 months. TWENTY TWO MONTHS. (Interesting number, considering what I'm about to share.)

So half of my mind is excited for the space and possibilities, and the other half wants to throw up knowing that I'm getting those things because I'm putting my kids into the most dangerous situation they've been in in the past two years. I just want to cry.

Sigh, this really isn't how a new year's goals post is supposed to go.

But welcome to my brain these days. I haven't tidied up. This is what it's like in here full-time. Contradictory back and forth on a constant loop, occasionally spiraling into a panic attack and an SOS call to my therapist. And I'm leaving it here...because my most fervent hope is that next year, my new year posts look nothing like this.

(I hope I hope I hope.)

I don't trust you, 2022. But there's a chance - a sliver of possibility - that you won't suck quite as badly as your preceding years. I'm not going in with've got to prove it to me this time.

Instead of an energized, sparkling list of dreams and productivity, I give tissue-paper thin collection of things I'd like to get to if life decides to stop taking a giant dump on all of us.

1. Share a freebie once a month.
2. Read the ACOTAR series.
3. Do Yoga with Adriene's Move series.
4. Read 55 books.
5. Track a moon month (or two).
6. Have a monthly embroidery project.
7. Finish my book draft.
8. Work out 12x a month.
9. Finally read and study a course in miracles.
10. Make a birthday card list and don't miss anyone.
11. Complete the BOTM reading challenge.
12. Make a kitchen update design and plan.
13. Make an embrace winter list.
14. Declutter 22 items a month.
15. Self-publish something new.
16. Focus on my TBR (read at least 20 books I already own).
17. Plan a date night once a month.
18. Stamp all my books with my library stamp.
19. Sell some stuff on ebay - try to make $500.
20. Keep a grimoire journal.
21. Say yes to outdoor activities I don't want to do once a month.
22. Do Gretchen Rubin's #Rest22in22 (because I freaking deserve it).

If I even do two of these, it'll be a win.

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