Monday, September 23, 2019

Disappointment and Rest.

We officially didn't get the house I mentioned.

We tried. We wiggled financing, cleaned like crazy to try and get our house ready to sell, and took on more home improvement tasks in one weekend than we had in months combined. And it's a no.

I'm both devastated and completely fine.

We women are complicated creatures.

I will always regret that yard. I will always wish I had a gorgeous setting like that, where I could see the trees from the edge of my old yard and remember my home with comforting proximity. (I think I failed to mention that the house we found was directly behind us. At the back of our lot is a wooded area and a pond, and on the other side of that pond is the house we found and attempted to buy.)

I even had a plan to like...tie a ribbon on a branch or put a colorful stake in the ground or something to serve as a hello to future me, from past me. For as long as the new owners left it be, of course.

The house, though perfectly large and wonderfully full of natural light with a wood burning fireplace and cozy sunroom, wasn't the house of my dreams inside. The kitchen and all the bathrooms were quite outdated and would have needed attention eventually. The wall treatments, carpeting, and cabinetry stopped progressing somewhere around 1994. It would have been a work in progress for many years to come in order to feel like it was ours.

But the size was right, the lot was right, the price was right, the school assignments were right, the layout was right, the basic elements were all there. It had so much potential.

But I'm evolved enough at this point to know that what is meant to be will be, and if it didn't work out it simply means that there's something better for us. Something that, perhaps, is more updated, or MORE of what we want. Maybe sold by someone that is sympathetic to us wishing to raise our boys in their house.

What I'm devastated over is....well, other things.

ONE, I gave up the very last weekend of Summer (literally, today is fall) to get my house ready to sell in case we got this deal. And in doing so, I missed two absolutely beautiful, sunny days that I could have spent making memories with my family. I could have gone swimming with my kids. I could have caught a sunset or a sunrise. We could have gone for a bike ride or a hike or an adventure downtown. Instead, I was sweaty and covered in paint, stuck in a dirty bathroom while I worked for hours and hours on a project we'd planned weeks to tackle. I saw the sun set outside the window, but only spent a wistful moment on it before returning to work. I'll never get that time back.

TWO, I felt a whole lot of stress and pressure that would have been unnecessary had there been more communication and less self-serving on the other party's behalf. We didn't get so much as a date for when we'd hear back, or anything resembling a negotiation to let us know what would make our deal worth it. We went all weekend long without a peep, and no choice but to push and shove through projects that otherwise wouldn't have needed to be complete for months. Our offer sat there, like a safety net, while we stressed and tore our bodies down without a single word from the sellers. Only to find out that we were flat out rejected at the end of it all. It was unfair, the way we were treated. And the pressure that we felt from our team to get ready.....they knew what a long shot it was. I know that when you're a shark, and you know what works "best", it's easy to push and advise for the best case scenario. But when your work and livelihood depend on the other people to do the hard stuff, it's kind of shitty to make them bust their asses on a long shot for your gain.

THREE, I won't name names here, but someone wasn't excited for us. We told a lot of people - mostly out of excitement, somewhat out of wanting their collective good vibes and prayers sent our way, partially because we needed to ask for help here and there. And for the most part, they all responded with hope, excitement, encouragement, and support. Even people on Instagram that I never met in person. But there was one person (who I actually reached out to and told out of an effort to connect with them) who should have been on team excitement and support that was all Eeyore about it. Very logical, stating the obvious (as though we are clueless idiots that haven't been looking to move for two years and who aren't approaching the purchase of their third house), and generally sending a lot of weird vibes our way. We are actual adults, who have done this before, and already knew the things they were saying. I SO BADLY wanted to prove them wrong. I desperately wanted to show them that that attitude is unnecessary and uncalled for, and I hate (hate hate hate) that things went their way even when we knew it was very likely that they would. It's that their sentiments didn't need to be expressed, is the bottomline, and they only shared them to bring us down and add some negativity and doubt to our efforts. I'm disappointed in them, and I'm disappointed in my lack of being able to show them that hope is a worthwhile sentiment.

(And PS, just because something isn't right for YOU or doesn't meet YOUR standards doesn't mean it's not right or acceptable to someone else. Your judgements put a gaping cavern between you and your loved ones when you fail to separate yourself from the situation and just be supportive.)

(Sorry. That wasn't intended for 99% of you, though it's a solid message all the same.)

Is it weird that those three things are the things that are bringing me down and not exactly the house?

Don't get me wrong. I wanted to have fires in that fireplace. I wanted to write in that sunroom. I wanted to walk our dog down those sidewalks, I wanted to have a closet situation with all-around mirrors, and I wanted the view of that beautiful pond and the back of my old yard out of most of the windows in that house.

But it is, for sure, more about the character of the people involved and the time spent in ways I regret that are making me feel low today.

Both of which are unchangeable.

So for now, I'm going to let myself rest. I tried to engage in some retail therapy today but my heart wasn't in it. I did, however, successfully purchase a bag of Watson's Sponge Candy and eat almost the entire thing myself. Whoops.

My body has been asking for rest since Wednesday, so at least, blissfully, I can now give it that.

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