Monday, August 30, 2021

Just Weepy Virgo Birthday Things.

Today's my last day being 36.

And as I tip pretty hard into the later-part of my 30's, I can't help but think back to a conversation I had with my husband - I guess about 7 years ago now.

It was the eve of my 30th birthday, and the first day of school was looming shortly after. My oldest son was set to start Kindergarten, and my middle son was off to preschool. It felt like a lot of change and milestones all at once, and I don't know...maybe it's the Virgo or the type 4 in me, but I usually already have some sort of sad wistfulness about my birthday. There are always birthday tears. I'm not even sure why? Sentimentality? Nostalgia? Regret? I don't even know. But it was set ablaze that year.

Matt reassured me by saying, "Don't worry - I really think your 30's are going to be your favorite."

I was skeptical. It wasn't even being 30 that concerned me. It was that we'd done so much in our 20's and I just couldn't see how the rest of life could top them. We'd gotten engaged and married, had three babies, bought two houses, adopted a dog and a cat, built our family traditions and established us as being US. It was all so exciting and...big. How could anything else be my favorite?

To which he said, "Well, think about it. All of that was exciting, but it was also really hard. In your 30's you'll have everything established with all of your boys under your roof and we get to make all the memories that they'll look back on as their childhood experience."

I hadn't thought of that. In my 40's, I'll be slowly saying goodbye to them as they become adults. My oldest when I'm 42, my middle when I'm 44, and my youngest when I'm 47. I'm likely to be an empty nester by 48. Yeesh, we'll cross that bridge later.

Except, I see it coming as I round the bend here at 37. And I'm realizing it won't be very long before I have a whole set of new things to get weepy about it.

Sigh. Birthdays are such a drag, man.

Just kidding. I'm excited for the day, truly. My men excel at making me feel special and loved. I'm just over here thinking all the things and getting ready to let my birthday tears a Virgo does.

I mean, there are some other things that have been up lately - and why my posts have ghosted recently.

For example:

  • I started therapy for the first time as an adult. I used to go all the time after my parents' divorces, but I haven't hit the point of really and truly needing to reach out on my own until now. It was the frequency and intensity of panic attacks that pushed me to do it. So I'm now working with an incredibly well-paired professional on my extreme anxiety, and I hope to eventually get around to figuring out what type of neurodivergent I am. I have my suspicions.

  • We're homeschooling. Yeah...that's a big nugget. It's a whole thing. I have so much to say in another post so I'll save it, but I'll just say that I didn't exactly see this coming and I have a lot (a lot a lot a lot) of mixed feelings. Therapyyyy.

I'm over here acting like there's lots to share but those have literally been the only two things going on in my life currently. They're big ones, though. Very consuming ones. So it's all just...a lot.

Anyway, I'll be back with more on the other side of 37. Hopefully I'll be less stereotypically maudlin by then. Happy Virgo season.

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