Friday, May 29, 2020

Pt. 24 - 80 My Whole Life.

DAY 58 - May 11th, 2020

     Last week was a rollercoaster. It started with that beautiful outdoor day - full of fresh air, sunshine, and even a little sunburn, and since then we've seen every kind of weather. It's been mostly cold and grey. There's been some sun, but also tons of rain, snow, even a little hail. The wild ride of our forecast closely met my emotional state. I really got into it this week. Every day I'd say, "I need to journal this out," but never did. Not sure what my resistance was. And I'm not even sure I know what that was all about at this point. But I do know that I feel a lot better going into this week, and I for sure went through some much needed growth moments. I'd spend the first half of the day feeling off and directionless, and then something would give me a boost in the afternoon or evening. Over and and over the pattern repeated itself. Daily slingshots - pulling back before flying forward. Here are some of the high points from the week.

+ There were some unspoken tensions between me and a family member. I'm not sure how or when they started, and they even denied them (and that's okay, because in hindsight my perception of it may have been off, but I still believe it existed to some degree). Something lead me to speak up about a specific thing, and we had some really good, useful conversations that not only eased the tension, but brought us to common ground and deeper understanding. And I'm really glad to say that they really feel like family again.

+ Sue, my favorite Tops cashier of 10 years called me after she got the card I sent her. I found out that she retired because of the pandemic, and while I was overjoyed to hear that she was safe, it also hit me that Tops will be a different place, now. She was like a guardian angel through my pregnancies and early motherhood years, and I'll remember and treasure that forever. I wonder how our souls know each other on the other side? We've got a helper situation going on, for sure.

+ My neighbor from across the street, Connie, also called to chat. It was so nice to catch up and get to know each other better. I learned that they have a granddaughter named Taren that they miss dearly right now, and that seeing my boys from across the street brightens her days. It was not lost on me that I seem to connect with old ladies. I've been 80 my whole life. :)

     So, going into this week I felt good, but nervous. Yesterday was Mother's Day, and my boys gave me a true break all day long. I finished the night with a facial that felt really good, got some good sleep, and I'm motivated to try out a new routine/schedule today. I feel refreshed and ready, but at the same time, I'm cautious. Parts of the state are set to reopen on Friday - just phase 1 of the plan, but even so, I fear this will kick off another spike in cases of the virus. As of right now, WNY only meets 3/7 requirements to even begin phase 1, and I'm not sure that we'll meet them all by Friday. So I think things will be okay here for now. It's just that this is a hard, scary part of the process - like walking for the first time after a c-section or leaving your kid with his first babysitter. The first step is an uncomfortable one. I feel very lucky that we don't have to participate in it - we can stay here, safe at home, until September even if we chose. But we also don't want all of life to go on without us. It's hard, worrisome balance, but I know how lucky we are to be in this position and not something even harder. We easily could have been.

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